Now is the time of year when many of us slow down for a week or so and spend some time with some annoying family members.
While still being single I am forced to carry out any family obligations this year by myself. This still means that I will drink for two.
Spending the holidays grossly intoxicated while crying to myself in the corner of a family get together is much more appealing than doing it publicly while wearing one of those ugly holiday sweaters.
January - I began this year, like I will end this year - in Mexico drunk and on the verge of blindness.
I remember having some sort of date with a girl from Calgary who was a landscape designer and some what close to my age. I didn't really care that much, but I thought it would be a great way to bring in the year by having dirty monkey sex in a Mexican alley somewhere.
Sadly, no dirty monkey sex was to be had... and I drank far too many Coke and Tequilas. The best I got at the end of the night was a kiss from this western stranger and some love from the palm sister (the slutty right one).
The holidays were right kind of crappy and I suggested that I go to Vegas with some friends (I was going to go whether or not my friends came - they just provided a witness and or bail money of it came to that). I picked up Herder in Kingston and we flew down to meet another friend in the desert for some stupidity. Herder and I made a pact that when anyone asked "where we were going?" - we had to respond in a loud voice 'VEGAS BABY!' - I was outclassed when Herder made this response to the Department of Homeland Security - but he likes anal cavity searches anyway.
Our 3rd and last night in the hotel cause us to meet up with 3 women from Toronto (just our luck). I was desperately trying to nail the red head that was about 10 years my junior - while my friends jumped on her hand grenade friends.
I ended up getting a very nice hand job in the lobby of the Luxor hotel (I am sure I am on CCTV somewhere).
We later met up in Toronto and had a few good weekends of monkey sex in various hotels in the downtown core.
February - April I was on an extended business trip until late April. No sex to have or be purchased. Although on Thursdays I did get some pretty heavy petty from the locals.
May - Several weeks of monkey sex with redhead in Toronto. It was hot. Then I screwed it up. So I moved back to Kingston.
My first week there a friend introduced me to a French girl that he had been working with for the last few weeks. Veronique, I think. She had broad shoulders. So much so that I remember squeezing her neck looking for the remnants of an Adam's Apple. She asked me to squeeze harder. So she was either comfortable with the search - or had had it down before. I remember cumming when I was with her - all she kept on saying was "Release! Release.....come on....release" Maybe she used to work as a motivational speaker. I was well motivated.
The following weekend I picked up a girl called Charlie. I thought that was kind of cool. But I knew my friends would make fun of me for sleeping with someone with a male's name. But she was dirty- eventually. I remember having sex with her and she said "Don't cum on me....I'm not into slutty moves". There goes my entire repertoire...I thought. But she relaxed and eventually asked me to do some slutty manoeuvres....I guess I am just that good looking.
June- July - I was sent to Fredericton. Partly for punishment, I think. If anyone reading this has been to Gagetown - I apologize. What a shithole! Never have I seen so many fat ugly women think that they are attractive and thin because there aren't any other women around to tell them otherwise! My first weekend there I ended up in the back of a car with an asian woman with fake breasts. Her 19 year old daughter was in the front seat and must have been wondering what we were doing back there. I was about 3 mins from cumming on her chest when the daughter asked "Why is the car shaking?" I left and was even less impressed with Fredericton.
The following weekend I went to Toronto to escape the shithole and go to the wedding of an old friend (read -someone who I have seen naked). The wedding was well pt together, but in an odd turn of events everyone woman there was either 18 or 45.
ugh....There has got to be something in town. I received a call from a old girlfriend that read me the riot act last time I had seen her.
"You know... we dated when I was 18 and you were 23. Now its 8 years later and I'm 26 and we are still pretending to like each other just enough to fuck for a weekend. Does that bother you?" she asked.
Hmmm.... thats what retrospection feels like when it is forced upon you.
She had gotten over her pain when I saw her. Somehow one of her friends also thought that she really needed to get laid that night. I'm pretty sure it would have happened even if her fat friend hadn't forced it on us. But I enjoyed not having to work for it.
Back to Fredericton.
My last night there, involved meeting a girl outside of Pita Pit. She eventually came to my hotel room and gave me a pretty good blowjob. She said that her summer camp students always called her 'Turtle' because of her resemblance to the Turtle in Finding Nemo - I was concerned the next time I put my dick in her mouth.... the resemblance was uncanny.
August- I started to feel guilty about my whoring....momentarily. Guilt is over. But how about a BLOG to show my depravity to the world?
The rest of the year has been covered in the last few missions. There have been several Internet dates, apparently the Internet adds 30 pounds to most girls after they leave the house and send you a picture. I actually knew this about the Internet - but refuse to give up hope.
Finally in December, I met someone I like. She is thin, attractive and intelligent.
I really hope she doesn't find out about this bull shit I have been writing!
Happy Holidays,
Vegas
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Mission # 16 - Find a new fishing hole
Kingston sucks.
I am no longer 20. Yes, I can still grab a silly young thing every now and again, but really isn't it about time that I stop spoiling my appetite with girls called 'Jenni', 'Carli' or 'Dave' (let's not talk about that last one).
To Ottawa I go.
I got an invitation from a friend of mine, Avi. He and his wife were out with what looked like their entire neighbourhood of suburban newlyweds.
Make a note of that.
Don't hit on anyone at the table.
The Heart and Crown is nestled in a busy corner of the Byward Market and has steady streams of young 20/30 somethings walking through looking to meet or at least get smashed on a Saturday night.
Avi grabbed me and we went outside. "I really need a smoke" he says. You've started smoking I thought?
Oh well.
Enter cute girls at table number 15.
Excuse me, can my friend bum a smoke off of you two? He is going through some really horrible times.
"What's so horrible" the drunk Asian girl asked.
"I live in Suburbia" Avi replied.
"Ahh..." she nodded in agreement and gave him a cigarette.
I noticed that Asian girls friend did not appear to be having a great time.
She was being hit (rather poorly, I might add) by a greasy slicked down 40 something wearing a soccer uniform.
Asian girl kept patting my chest and running her hands down my arms.
Several minutes of requisite what do you dos? How do you do that? How did you meet? etc.
I make the switch and let Avi keep the drunk Asian girl company while I talk to her blonde and much more attractive but less drunk friend.
Friendly banter goes back and forth.
She wouldn't come off her bar stool and meet me half way so a dilemma is put at my feet.
Do I go back to the drunk Asian girl or the blonde attractive one?
I need help on this...perhaps sober second thoughts?
Avi's wife, Natalia (8 months pregnant - but still putting up a good show and out at the bars at midnight) helps out. She comes and meets both of them.
"do I go for the one I am interested in? Or the one who has started grabbing st my crotch and ass under the table?" I ask
"Go for the gold" she says
Was that some strange gold/yellow asian slur reference?
I was hoping that she would push me towards the blonde. But oh well, old habits die hard.
The Asian girl grabs me and pull me to the bar for a round of shooters. She bends over the bar, one of her hands pulling me in behind her. Thank god there is a blanket of people surrounding us. She hikes up her dress and grabs my hand and shoves it between her legs.
"Do you know what you're doing down there?" she asks
"I have a good idea" I respond, smiling that she doesn't have any underwear on - and perhaps about to make a comment about an Asian Hairless cat.
Anyway.
Back at the table, I notice an ugly engagement ring on Asian Girl's finger. I ask and am told that is only used to ward off men at work and the bar.
Right - I think to myself.
We go inside and Blonde Girl is still pouting a bit, not having any fun at all.
Asian girl and I go down stairs and find a dark corner where we can do things that aren't supposed to be done in public. Asian Girl gives me her phone number.
We return and Blondegirl has a guy hitting on her, I still wish I could switch.
Blondegirl tells the guy to go away and the Asiangirl goes off to buy another round. I talk to Blondegirl again.
"I just don't like the bar scene- too much bullshit." she says
"Oh?" I respond seeing that my time is limited if I am going to make a play.
"You know what? I'll be honest. I am more interested in seeing you than I am hanging out with her"
She looks at me.
"613..." she starts and I make a mad dash for my cell phone.
Asian girl returns as I save my original interest's phone number and smile.
The girls leave and I get all sorts of things whispered in my ear as the depart.
Switcharoo.
The lights come on.
Despite have two numbers of nice Ottawa girls. I am interested in seeing what else I can scrape up for the night.
The poutine stand awaits.
I arrive seconds before a chip is about to fall onto the pavement and steal it out of a girl's poutine order.
"I'm really just sampling" I say.
I meet Jen and Melissa- two web developers from Hull you have come across for the night. 30 minutes later after a fight or two has broken up and we start wondering why we are still outside the club we start walking towards some cab's.
I lean into Jen's ear and ask "How can I get your number without making Melissa feel bad?"
Jen looks at me like she just got spanked in a Catholic girl's uniform.
"819-555..."
She smiles.
I love the French.
I am no longer 20. Yes, I can still grab a silly young thing every now and again, but really isn't it about time that I stop spoiling my appetite with girls called 'Jenni', 'Carli' or 'Dave' (let's not talk about that last one).
To Ottawa I go.
I got an invitation from a friend of mine, Avi. He and his wife were out with what looked like their entire neighbourhood of suburban newlyweds.
Make a note of that.
Don't hit on anyone at the table.
The Heart and Crown is nestled in a busy corner of the Byward Market and has steady streams of young 20/30 somethings walking through looking to meet or at least get smashed on a Saturday night.
Avi grabbed me and we went outside. "I really need a smoke" he says. You've started smoking I thought?
Oh well.
Enter cute girls at table number 15.
Excuse me, can my friend bum a smoke off of you two? He is going through some really horrible times.
"What's so horrible" the drunk Asian girl asked.
"I live in Suburbia" Avi replied.
"Ahh..." she nodded in agreement and gave him a cigarette.
I noticed that Asian girls friend did not appear to be having a great time.
She was being hit (rather poorly, I might add) by a greasy slicked down 40 something wearing a soccer uniform.
Asian girl kept patting my chest and running her hands down my arms.
Several minutes of requisite what do you dos? How do you do that? How did you meet? etc.
I make the switch and let Avi keep the drunk Asian girl company while I talk to her blonde and much more attractive but less drunk friend.
Friendly banter goes back and forth.
She wouldn't come off her bar stool and meet me half way so a dilemma is put at my feet.
Do I go back to the drunk Asian girl or the blonde attractive one?
I need help on this...perhaps sober second thoughts?
Avi's wife, Natalia (8 months pregnant - but still putting up a good show and out at the bars at midnight) helps out. She comes and meets both of them.
"do I go for the one I am interested in? Or the one who has started grabbing st my crotch and ass under the table?" I ask
"Go for the gold" she says
Was that some strange gold/yellow asian slur reference?
I was hoping that she would push me towards the blonde. But oh well, old habits die hard.
The Asian girl grabs me and pull me to the bar for a round of shooters. She bends over the bar, one of her hands pulling me in behind her. Thank god there is a blanket of people surrounding us. She hikes up her dress and grabs my hand and shoves it between her legs.
"Do you know what you're doing down there?" she asks
"I have a good idea" I respond, smiling that she doesn't have any underwear on - and perhaps about to make a comment about an Asian Hairless cat.
Anyway.
Back at the table, I notice an ugly engagement ring on Asian Girl's finger. I ask and am told that is only used to ward off men at work and the bar.
Right - I think to myself.
We go inside and Blonde Girl is still pouting a bit, not having any fun at all.
Asian girl and I go down stairs and find a dark corner where we can do things that aren't supposed to be done in public. Asian Girl gives me her phone number.
We return and Blondegirl has a guy hitting on her, I still wish I could switch.
Blondegirl tells the guy to go away and the Asiangirl goes off to buy another round. I talk to Blondegirl again.
"I just don't like the bar scene- too much bullshit." she says
"Oh?" I respond seeing that my time is limited if I am going to make a play.
"You know what? I'll be honest. I am more interested in seeing you than I am hanging out with her"
She looks at me.
"613..." she starts and I make a mad dash for my cell phone.
Asian girl returns as I save my original interest's phone number and smile.
The girls leave and I get all sorts of things whispered in my ear as the depart.
Switcharoo.
The lights come on.
Despite have two numbers of nice Ottawa girls. I am interested in seeing what else I can scrape up for the night.
The poutine stand awaits.
I arrive seconds before a chip is about to fall onto the pavement and steal it out of a girl's poutine order.
"I'm really just sampling" I say.
I meet Jen and Melissa- two web developers from Hull you have come across for the night. 30 minutes later after a fight or two has broken up and we start wondering why we are still outside the club we start walking towards some cab's.
I lean into Jen's ear and ask "How can I get your number without making Melissa feel bad?"
Jen looks at me like she just got spanked in a Catholic girl's uniform.
"819-555..."
She smiles.
I love the French.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Mission # 15 - Take advantage of the situation
Rick and Betsey are too good to me.
They left on vacation for a few weeks and left the keys to the house in my possession.
"Pass the house off as your own, if you like" -Betsey says.
This might be hard with all the wedding photos strewn around the house...however, I will be creative...and successful.
I started at the Merchant, walked to the Toucan, Shaker's Lounge and then My Bar.
My Bar must have been having a trashy tattoo contest because its all I could see from one end of the bar to the other. I caught one woman glancing me over from head to foot.
"Hi" I said
"It's gonna be a good night." she said as she slammed back a shooter
I wish I had drunk a lot more before talking to you - I thought to myself.
I noticed that she had some word emblazoned across her lower back.
"Fetching tramp stamp..what does it say" I asked
She laughed and said "that's what happens when you are drunk and your best friend is a tattoo artist - it's my last name."
I stifled a laugh.
"Umm....so guys don't forget?" I ask
"You got it baby" she responded
I then saw the trying-to-be-bigger-than it actually is- diamond on her left hand.
"Your fiance must be proud" I said
"Yeah...he'll never forget again" she slurred
I needed to go elsewhere... quickly.
Grizzly, Legendz and then sighed heavily and trundled into Stages' trying to cover my face from the crowd outside.
Hey! Look! Fish in a barrel.
My first experience after walking in was being accosted by a beer girl.
"You look like you need a beer!" she smiled
"I bet you say that to all the guys" I said
"only the cute ones" she replied
I wonder if she was studying commerce.
I continued the flow of alcohol into my body.
Everyone was pretty now.
The next thing I remember is having a conversation with Carolyn. A cute, blonde St. Lawrence graduate that was excited about everything that I said.
She felt guilty about accepting a drink from me.
I thought she's either really good or she actually has a conscience.
It will never work.
"I have to find my friends!" she yells over the music
"Well, you have to kiss me before you go" I respond with a comment that only makes sense when you are hammered.
I lean over and push a cheek towards Carolyn's lips. She kisses me and swerves for the other cheek. I look at her and we lock lips.
How did that happen, I ask myself?
I give her a spank on the ass as she goes off to find her friends.
She comes back about 10 minutes later, empty handed. "I don't know where they have gone" she tells me.
Separated from the flock - I think to myself. Perfect!
We end up outside as she tries one last time to find her friends.
"I have no where to stay!" she says, starting to get worried.
My sheep costume starts to fall off.
"well come back and stay at my sister's house" I tell her.
Later we pour out of a cab near the Kingston centre (oh god!) and find her friend's apartment where she had been staying the night before.
After knocking on the door and random phone calling we end up in a back alley with both of our pants around our ankles. It turns out she liked dirty talk.
"What do you want me to call you?"
"I like to be called by my first name" I reply
"can I call you Master or Sir?"
Whoa.
"call me your good little girl" she whispered in my ear.
"call me a slut" she said as she scratched my back.
WHOA!
Our tryst in the alley finished (not too quickly) and she returned to the front of the apartment to continue hollering at her friend's apartments window. I was feeling happy and tired and kind of curious when this window screaming would end.
A young guy came to the window.
"Hey! Hey! Is Julie there? All my stuff is in the apartment" Carolyn yelled
"No. Man, like keep your voice down. This is MY apartment. There's no one here by that name." said the guy who sounded like he had just stepped off a surfboard.
"No. The girl that you picked up. Her name is Julie." Carolyn said.
"Nope." he replied
"Ok...what about the girl that your friend picked up?" asked Carolyn
"No, no man. time to go home. good night"
More screaming and yelling. I waited for the cops to show up.
Finally some lights came on and Julie came out.
"Dude - yelling outside my window? This is not cool?" said the 'Julie' that had arrived at the now open door. This is not cool.
Carolyn went inside and I then wondered if the evening was done.
She later came outside and began bawling on the front stoop.
"I have no where to stay!" she bawled
This is not good. I wondered if Betsey and Rick would forgive me for bringing her home to their house. Let's find out I thought.
We eventually left the front stoop before any Kingston cops arrived.
"I have to tell you something." Carolyn said to me
This is never good.
"I sometimes jump in front of cars to see what they'll do." she cried at me.
Wow...this evening has gone for sad to sad.
We eventually hailed a cab and got back to "my sister's house".
"Do you mind if I take off my pants?" she asked as she looked up at me.
"I think you should take everything off." I responded.
The last thing I remember before I fell asleep was her saying "just not on my face."
We woke up early and rolled around again. I thought about taking pictures, but had sobered up and lost my nerve at that point.
Luckily I checked my email.
The house was going to be shown by the Real Estate agent at 9am.
Oh god! Clean-up, tidy, open a window to air out the room and get out of the house.
We rolled out of the house and I hoped that none of the neighbours would see the young girl I had brought home.
I dropped her off at her parent's house, hoping that I wouldn't be asked in to meet Mom and Dad.
Two days later I got a text saying "this little girl wants to be touched"
whoa.
They left on vacation for a few weeks and left the keys to the house in my possession.
"Pass the house off as your own, if you like" -Betsey says.
This might be hard with all the wedding photos strewn around the house...however, I will be creative...and successful.
I started at the Merchant, walked to the Toucan, Shaker's Lounge and then My Bar.
My Bar must have been having a trashy tattoo contest because its all I could see from one end of the bar to the other. I caught one woman glancing me over from head to foot.
"Hi" I said
"It's gonna be a good night." she said as she slammed back a shooter
I wish I had drunk a lot more before talking to you - I thought to myself.
I noticed that she had some word emblazoned across her lower back.
"Fetching tramp stamp..what does it say" I asked
She laughed and said "that's what happens when you are drunk and your best friend is a tattoo artist - it's my last name."
I stifled a laugh.
"Umm....so guys don't forget?" I ask
"You got it baby" she responded
I then saw the trying-to-be-bigger-than it actually is- diamond on her left hand.
"Your fiance must be proud" I said
"Yeah...he'll never forget again" she slurred
I needed to go elsewhere... quickly.
Grizzly, Legendz and then sighed heavily and trundled into Stages' trying to cover my face from the crowd outside.
Hey! Look! Fish in a barrel.
My first experience after walking in was being accosted by a beer girl.
"You look like you need a beer!" she smiled
"I bet you say that to all the guys" I said
"only the cute ones" she replied
I wonder if she was studying commerce.
I continued the flow of alcohol into my body.
Everyone was pretty now.
The next thing I remember is having a conversation with Carolyn. A cute, blonde St. Lawrence graduate that was excited about everything that I said.
She felt guilty about accepting a drink from me.
I thought she's either really good or she actually has a conscience.
It will never work.
"I have to find my friends!" she yells over the music
"Well, you have to kiss me before you go" I respond with a comment that only makes sense when you are hammered.
I lean over and push a cheek towards Carolyn's lips. She kisses me and swerves for the other cheek. I look at her and we lock lips.
How did that happen, I ask myself?
I give her a spank on the ass as she goes off to find her friends.
She comes back about 10 minutes later, empty handed. "I don't know where they have gone" she tells me.
Separated from the flock - I think to myself. Perfect!
We end up outside as she tries one last time to find her friends.
"I have no where to stay!" she says, starting to get worried.
My sheep costume starts to fall off.
"well come back and stay at my sister's house" I tell her.
Later we pour out of a cab near the Kingston centre (oh god!) and find her friend's apartment where she had been staying the night before.
After knocking on the door and random phone calling we end up in a back alley with both of our pants around our ankles. It turns out she liked dirty talk.
"What do you want me to call you?"
"I like to be called by my first name" I reply
"can I call you Master or Sir?"
Whoa.
"call me your good little girl" she whispered in my ear.
"call me a slut" she said as she scratched my back.
WHOA!
Our tryst in the alley finished (not too quickly) and she returned to the front of the apartment to continue hollering at her friend's apartments window. I was feeling happy and tired and kind of curious when this window screaming would end.
A young guy came to the window.
"Hey! Hey! Is Julie there? All my stuff is in the apartment" Carolyn yelled
"No. Man, like keep your voice down. This is MY apartment. There's no one here by that name." said the guy who sounded like he had just stepped off a surfboard.
"No. The girl that you picked up. Her name is Julie." Carolyn said.
"Nope." he replied
"Ok...what about the girl that your friend picked up?" asked Carolyn
"No, no man. time to go home. good night"
More screaming and yelling. I waited for the cops to show up.
Finally some lights came on and Julie came out.
"Dude - yelling outside my window? This is not cool?" said the 'Julie' that had arrived at the now open door. This is not cool.
Carolyn went inside and I then wondered if the evening was done.
She later came outside and began bawling on the front stoop.
"I have no where to stay!" she bawled
This is not good. I wondered if Betsey and Rick would forgive me for bringing her home to their house. Let's find out I thought.
We eventually left the front stoop before any Kingston cops arrived.
"I have to tell you something." Carolyn said to me
This is never good.
"I sometimes jump in front of cars to see what they'll do." she cried at me.
Wow...this evening has gone for sad to sad.
We eventually hailed a cab and got back to "my sister's house".
"Do you mind if I take off my pants?" she asked as she looked up at me.
"I think you should take everything off." I responded.
The last thing I remember before I fell asleep was her saying "just not on my face."
We woke up early and rolled around again. I thought about taking pictures, but had sobered up and lost my nerve at that point.
Luckily I checked my email.
The house was going to be shown by the Real Estate agent at 9am.
Oh god! Clean-up, tidy, open a window to air out the room and get out of the house.
We rolled out of the house and I hoped that none of the neighbours would see the young girl I had brought home.
I dropped her off at her parent's house, hoping that I wouldn't be asked in to meet Mom and Dad.
Two days later I got a text saying "this little girl wants to be touched"
whoa.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Mission # 14 - Take advantage of the Electorate
I live and work in Kingston.
Kingston has been a Liberal riding for the past 20 years, duly electing Peter Milliken as their Liberal representative in Parliament.
There is no way that anyone other than the Liberal candidate will be elected in this riding. No matter how much the vote is split between 'fringe' parties (I include the NDP as well as the Green Party in this description) - the riding will go red.
It is for this reason that I can continue this mission with a guilt free conscience.
I used to be a card carrying Conservative and had served on the Board of Directors for my Riding Association for the past 2 years.
The way I look at it, the more I canvass for the other parties, the more the vote is split between lefty and centrist parties.
On Monday, I received a call from the Campaign Manager of the Green Party candidate for Kingston and the Islands.
"ja...Iz dat Vegas?" a thick German accented voice barked at me through the phone. "Dis is Brigitte. I'm cawlling from ze Green Party Campaign Office."
I wondered if she was wearing an armband.
I ran to close my office door - what would my colleagues think? Campaigning for the Green Party?
"Speaking." I say quietly into the phone. Hoping that no one will ever remember my name or face during this escapade.
"I vas cawlling to tell you about our cawn-vissing on Venzday night!" she continued.
"Great!" I lied. "What are the hours? How long will this take?" I asked
I tried keeping my Conservative conscience in check. Truly believing that this was all for the greater good.
"Vell... come by on Venzday evening. Ve vill do a quick blitz of ze neighbourhood."
She just said 'blitz'. I tried not to giggle or make any allusion to bombing campaigns.
"Hav you ever done any canvassing before?" she asked
"Yes - I was the Communications Manager for a Toronto candidate in the 2006 election." I told her.
"O! ya! Vich party? Green or Liberal?" she asked
"Another party." I said and then changed the subject "Well, I will see you Venzday, Wednesday I mean." I replied - stifling a laugh
Now I needed to find a pair of Birkenstocks, wool socks and sandals to go with my canvassing.
I showed up at campaign headquarters to meet my fellow representatives from the Green Party. Not really much of a party. Just one person, the place smelt of patchouli and poor planned policy. They actually profess to be a centrist party. I think its actually the same platform as the Liberals, with a Green flare to it. I wondered if Elizabeth May had a dog named Kyoto too?
Brigitte, the Campaign Führer, handed out some pamphlets and told me to just 'get the word out'. This actually put my conscience at ease, knowing that I wouldn't be involved in any "dirty politics" - handing out pamphlets and telling people to vote Green - are two different things in my mind. We were warned that sometimes you'll run into people who just want to keep you in the house because they are voting for someone else - but that's what Conservative do.
Dirty Conservatives - I thought.
We embarked on our canvassing mission. Luckily, the office had planned to canvass the student ghetto - their base of support in Kingston.
"Excellent!" I said with a shit eating smile.
I knocked on my first door.
Scantily clad girl in tank top and sweat shorts answered the door.
I tried to stifle my grin.
"Hi! I'm canvassing for the Green Party! Do you know that there's an election on October 14th?" I asked the attractive Queen's girl
"You're from the Green Party?" she asked looking me over from head to foot.
It's time for some truth in politics.
"No." I smiled "I just thought this would be a great way to meet girls at Queen's!"
She laughed and one of her housemates joined her. I was now chatting to two scantily clad Queen's girls in tank tops and sweat shorts. It's like they grown on trees - thankfully the Green Party is very supportive of tree growing.
I supplied them with some information as she told me about the other girls in the house who were already supporting the Green Party. As soon as she said 'other girls' and 'party' all I could think of was some massive tickle fight in bra and panties and how they could really re-define 'Party' on Election night.
The shit eating smile returned - onto the next house.
My Green Party 'colleague' wasn't having any luck as she knocked on doors. She seemed to be one of those people that might be politically active because that's what the 'voices' told her to do. My voices told me that I should come back as an NDP representative and knock on the same doors.
I had lost track of the number of houses and the doors that I had knocked on, everyone seemed to be young attractive Queen's girls in various stages of undress. It was like I was participating in some bizarre game show... "Wheel of I'll-try-Anything-to-get-Laid".
Everyone once and a while I would knock on the door and a guy would answer.
"Dude." I said "Not from the party, but this is a great way to meet chicks. Here's some info"
Next door.
Then I met K.C. KC actually walked up to me to ask for a party sign.
"What kind of Party?" I asked. She didn't find that funny.
She reeked of patchouli.
"I vote for green every year."
Way to throw away your vote, I thought. But then again, voting Green is much better than voting for the other Centrist Party with the same platform but painted a different colour.
She gave me her address, phone number and then said "When can you come by?"
About the same time that the Green Party arrives at a realistic approach to governance and foreign policy - I thought. But I did pass on her name and request to the office - smiling all the way.
Souvenir: Green Party Campaign button
Strangest Meeting: Four students that were convinced the marijuana Party and Green were the same. I would have given them a flyer, but they would have smoked it.
Kingston has been a Liberal riding for the past 20 years, duly electing Peter Milliken as their Liberal representative in Parliament.
There is no way that anyone other than the Liberal candidate will be elected in this riding. No matter how much the vote is split between 'fringe' parties (I include the NDP as well as the Green Party in this description) - the riding will go red.
It is for this reason that I can continue this mission with a guilt free conscience.
I used to be a card carrying Conservative and had served on the Board of Directors for my Riding Association for the past 2 years.
The way I look at it, the more I canvass for the other parties, the more the vote is split between lefty and centrist parties.
On Monday, I received a call from the Campaign Manager of the Green Party candidate for Kingston and the Islands.
"ja...Iz dat Vegas?" a thick German accented voice barked at me through the phone. "Dis is Brigitte. I'm cawlling from ze Green Party Campaign Office."
I wondered if she was wearing an armband.
I ran to close my office door - what would my colleagues think? Campaigning for the Green Party?
"Speaking." I say quietly into the phone. Hoping that no one will ever remember my name or face during this escapade.
"I vas cawlling to tell you about our cawn-vissing on Venzday night!" she continued.
"Great!" I lied. "What are the hours? How long will this take?" I asked
I tried keeping my Conservative conscience in check. Truly believing that this was all for the greater good.
"Vell... come by on Venzday evening. Ve vill do a quick blitz of ze neighbourhood."
She just said 'blitz'. I tried not to giggle or make any allusion to bombing campaigns.
"Hav you ever done any canvassing before?" she asked
"Yes - I was the Communications Manager for a Toronto candidate in the 2006 election." I told her.
"O! ya! Vich party? Green or Liberal?" she asked
"Another party." I said and then changed the subject "Well, I will see you Venzday, Wednesday I mean." I replied - stifling a laugh
Now I needed to find a pair of Birkenstocks, wool socks and sandals to go with my canvassing.
I showed up at campaign headquarters to meet my fellow representatives from the Green Party. Not really much of a party. Just one person, the place smelt of patchouli and poor planned policy. They actually profess to be a centrist party. I think its actually the same platform as the Liberals, with a Green flare to it. I wondered if Elizabeth May had a dog named Kyoto too?
Brigitte, the Campaign Führer, handed out some pamphlets and told me to just 'get the word out'. This actually put my conscience at ease, knowing that I wouldn't be involved in any "dirty politics" - handing out pamphlets and telling people to vote Green - are two different things in my mind. We were warned that sometimes you'll run into people who just want to keep you in the house because they are voting for someone else - but that's what Conservative do.
Dirty Conservatives - I thought.
We embarked on our canvassing mission. Luckily, the office had planned to canvass the student ghetto - their base of support in Kingston.
"Excellent!" I said with a shit eating smile.
I knocked on my first door.
Scantily clad girl in tank top and sweat shorts answered the door.
I tried to stifle my grin.
"Hi! I'm canvassing for the Green Party! Do you know that there's an election on October 14th?" I asked the attractive Queen's girl
"You're from the Green Party?" she asked looking me over from head to foot.
It's time for some truth in politics.
"No." I smiled "I just thought this would be a great way to meet girls at Queen's!"
She laughed and one of her housemates joined her. I was now chatting to two scantily clad Queen's girls in tank tops and sweat shorts. It's like they grown on trees - thankfully the Green Party is very supportive of tree growing.
I supplied them with some information as she told me about the other girls in the house who were already supporting the Green Party. As soon as she said 'other girls' and 'party' all I could think of was some massive tickle fight in bra and panties and how they could really re-define 'Party' on Election night.
The shit eating smile returned - onto the next house.
My Green Party 'colleague' wasn't having any luck as she knocked on doors. She seemed to be one of those people that might be politically active because that's what the 'voices' told her to do. My voices told me that I should come back as an NDP representative and knock on the same doors.
I had lost track of the number of houses and the doors that I had knocked on, everyone seemed to be young attractive Queen's girls in various stages of undress. It was like I was participating in some bizarre game show... "Wheel of I'll-try-Anything-to-get-Laid".
Everyone once and a while I would knock on the door and a guy would answer.
"Dude." I said "Not from the party, but this is a great way to meet chicks. Here's some info"
Next door.
Then I met K.C. KC actually walked up to me to ask for a party sign.
"What kind of Party?" I asked. She didn't find that funny.
She reeked of patchouli.
"I vote for green every year."
Way to throw away your vote, I thought. But then again, voting Green is much better than voting for the other Centrist Party with the same platform but painted a different colour.
She gave me her address, phone number and then said "When can you come by?"
About the same time that the Green Party arrives at a realistic approach to governance and foreign policy - I thought. But I did pass on her name and request to the office - smiling all the way.
Souvenir: Green Party Campaign button
Strangest Meeting: Four students that were convinced the marijuana Party and Green were the same. I would have given them a flyer, but they would have smoked it.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Mission # 13 - Bite the Bullet
There comes a time in every bachelor's life when he must resort to online dating.
It ain't pretty.
It ain't cheap.
But sometimes who meet someone who is one or the the other.
3 or 4 emails had been exchanged between us and I was pretty sure that she wasn't stark raving mad.
However, I did need some sort of proof that it would be ok to be in public with her.
E-stalking it is. Betsey helped me to see what I could find in the annals of Google.
"Oh God! She's huge." I say
"See if there is another picture" says Betsey.
One shot... out of focus appears, but the blurs do seem much thinner.
I switch from one to the other. back and forth hoping that some of the weight will be shed from pone pic to the other.
The faster the i hit ALT + TAB, the more frustrated I become.
"This does not bode well." I say - frustrated.
I resign myself to the best thing that I can do is to go on a date a see what will turn up.
We meet at a restaurant, where I know the servings are huge, just in case.
She's not large. But I can tell that she used to carry a bit more weight.
From the number of times that she mentions newest fitness fad #1, or fad # 12, I know that she has spent significant time at the gym. She is....
sturdy.
I can't do this.
Then nothing.
2 hours of mindless small talk.
We tell each other the safe things that you are supposed to tell. The little giggles that come up every time we say something that we are not supposed to.
Part way through.... some of the wait staff from the Merchant sit behind her and order a bottle of wine.
Wow. How do I get a seat at that table. I want to be with THAT table.
"oh! You have TWO cats. That's hilarious!" I snap back into her conversation.
We close the place.
I get the bill and pay quickly.
I hope that she isn't going to make some sort of deal about the fact that I pay. Some sort of deal about 'you are insulting my womanhood because you have opened your wallet faster!' or that I am a chauvinist because "I spent $15 dollars faster than you could".
she doesn't make an argument.
We leave and i tip badly because I want to get out of there and not hassle over change.
I tell myself I will come back and tip him later - explaining the situation.
I walk her back to her car.
A friendly hug is exchanged. I think she might be confused, maybe hoping for a kiss, maybe hoping for a subtle squeeze and a grab and a "Oh! I'm sorry - he-heh - too soon"
I get out of the hug and really want to get back to my car or find out where the Merchant waitresses went.
Souvenir- NONE!
It ain't pretty.
It ain't cheap.
But sometimes who meet someone who is one or the the other.
3 or 4 emails had been exchanged between us and I was pretty sure that she wasn't stark raving mad.
However, I did need some sort of proof that it would be ok to be in public with her.
E-stalking it is. Betsey helped me to see what I could find in the annals of Google.
"Oh God! She's huge." I say
"See if there is another picture" says Betsey.
One shot... out of focus appears, but the blurs do seem much thinner.
I switch from one to the other. back and forth hoping that some of the weight will be shed from pone pic to the other.
The faster the i hit ALT + TAB, the more frustrated I become.
"This does not bode well." I say - frustrated.
I resign myself to the best thing that I can do is to go on a date a see what will turn up.
We meet at a restaurant, where I know the servings are huge, just in case.
She's not large. But I can tell that she used to carry a bit more weight.
From the number of times that she mentions newest fitness fad #1, or fad # 12, I know that she has spent significant time at the gym. She is....
sturdy.
I can't do this.
Then nothing.
2 hours of mindless small talk.
We tell each other the safe things that you are supposed to tell. The little giggles that come up every time we say something that we are not supposed to.
Part way through.... some of the wait staff from the Merchant sit behind her and order a bottle of wine.
Wow. How do I get a seat at that table. I want to be with THAT table.
"oh! You have TWO cats. That's hilarious!" I snap back into her conversation.
We close the place.
I get the bill and pay quickly.
I hope that she isn't going to make some sort of deal about the fact that I pay. Some sort of deal about 'you are insulting my womanhood because you have opened your wallet faster!' or that I am a chauvinist because "I spent $15 dollars faster than you could".
she doesn't make an argument.
We leave and i tip badly because I want to get out of there and not hassle over change.
I tell myself I will come back and tip him later - explaining the situation.
I walk her back to her car.
A friendly hug is exchanged. I think she might be confused, maybe hoping for a kiss, maybe hoping for a subtle squeeze and a grab and a "Oh! I'm sorry - he-heh - too soon"
I get out of the hug and really want to get back to my car or find out where the Merchant waitresses went.
Souvenir- NONE!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Mission # 12 - Old avenues
I am the newly elected President of the Bright Idea club.
For one of the first times in my life, I have nothing on the horizon.
Not a drop. No leads, no set-ups, no planned nights out with the boys, no flirtatious girl at the coffee shop on my way into work in the morning.
I have tried for the past couple of weeks to use the shotgun affect of meeting women but have had very limited success. This does not actually involve a shot gun for those of you that were worried that I had cracked even farther. The shotgun affect is going into a club and asking every women "Hi! how are you?". Eventually one will talk to you and eventually one will let you touch her boobies and eventually one will be interesting to talk to AND let you touch her boobies. Chris Rock does a bit in his stand-up about about trying to pick-up women with cheesy pick-up lines - It's kind of like walking around saying "Want some dick? Eventually someone WILL say 'yes'."
Yes, eventually it works but the work to pay ratio is quite low.
Now onto the bright idea - go down old avenues.
So, without anything on the horizon. I have resorted to online matching. I have a date in the next few days with what will turn out to be a very large girl. Head shots always lie. But then again - she does think that I am a Poli Sci prof at Queen's - so fate always wins in the end by saying "Go Fuck yourself too".
This brings me to Old Avenues. I recently re-activated my FaceBook account. I have realized that all of my past 15 girlfriends (with the exception of the 2 most recent) are married or with child.
Rick called me Good Luck Chuck.
Funny.
Asshole.
So now I go about contacting the old girlfriends to see if I can either apologize for having no emotional attachment or get them to apologize for being crazy (but still quite hot). I scratched out an email to each one during a slow day at work.
The first one I contacted was actually a woman I met in Vegas. I met Alice in a bar and she actually turned out to be from Toronto (my home at the time). We dated for several months and that included a few months when I was in Afghanistan. She treated me like gold... but from either the stress of readjustment or the 10 year age gap - we broke up. I needed my space at the time and she needed me to 'check in' every day. I wasn't able or willing to do this.
She got a drippy email.
Next on the list was Lola. I think I really just wanted to date her because of her name. I also picked her up at a family funeral and I thought added a certain something relationship. It was a good story to tell. My parents had known her for years and I think had started to plan the wedding as soon as I admitted we were seeing each other. She started to expect the same and I didn't want what everyone expected to be there... but wasn't. We broke up and then all my friends said how relieved they were. "I never liked her anyway" they all said.
I sent her best friend an email. I am still glad to be gone
Before that I was dating a woman 10 years my senior. Helena was at least 6 feet tall, blonde and a knock out. She even wore librarian type glasses before she had laser eye surgery to correct them. The editors of the Karma-Sutra wrote to HER for advice. My male friends hated me with jealousy. It was great! I was in Halifax when she called and announced that we were no longer 'boyfriend-girlfriend'.
I wondered if we were out of grade school yet.
"You misunderstood!" she bellowed at me. How dare I want to have a monogamous relationship with her.
She's in her 40s now... I assume still single and trying to be in her 20s.
I 'poked' her on FaceBook.
Nicole was the last kind girl that I had dated. She was intelligent and a biathalete earlier in her university career. My friends liked her, but I think they thought she came across as naive. I would have said it was more innocence than anything else. I ignored her towards the end of the relationship. She got back at me by sleeping with one of my colleagues. I can't say I blame her.
Nicole got an email.
Before Nicole there were a string of 'good times' and 'friends' and 'oh-my-gods- this is so much funs'.
In the dwindling days of graduate school - I was flung by a brilliant woman named Jessica 3. She is called Jessica 3 because there were 2 Jessicas that came before her and my friends find it easier to collate them as such(if truth be known - so do I). Jessica 3 had competing offers from Oxford and LSE upon being graduated from her BA. I would quit my job and move to Borneo to have another chance with her (I am a selfish prick - so I would 'say' that I am quitting my job and fly to Borneo. But I'd give it a couple of weeks before really giving my Boss notice.)
Jessica 3 received a phone call.
The last woman I contacted was Aron. Another 6 foot blonde woman with a brain that could slice, dice and julienne most arguments before they even started. We dated for the first 4 months of grad school until she told me that she had a boyfriend in Vancouver.
'Vancouvered' again!
However, we could still carry on until she went back home.
She told me on a cool November afternoon, while we were in bed.
I remember not being able to get it up that night - I blamed the alcohol.
yeah... the alcohol.
A few months later. She broke it off. 'We can't continue this...I'm falling for you.'
She eventually broke up with the Vancouver boyfriend. She still lives with the guy that she dated after me. They own a condo. He's an architect.
She got a cordial email.
In the email I wrote to Alice - I tried explaining why I was doing this. I couldn't because I don't really know.
I assume its more than just trying see some boobies.
For one of the first times in my life, I have nothing on the horizon.
Not a drop. No leads, no set-ups, no planned nights out with the boys, no flirtatious girl at the coffee shop on my way into work in the morning.
I have tried for the past couple of weeks to use the shotgun affect of meeting women but have had very limited success. This does not actually involve a shot gun for those of you that were worried that I had cracked even farther. The shotgun affect is going into a club and asking every women "Hi! how are you?". Eventually one will talk to you and eventually one will let you touch her boobies and eventually one will be interesting to talk to AND let you touch her boobies. Chris Rock does a bit in his stand-up about about trying to pick-up women with cheesy pick-up lines - It's kind of like walking around saying "Want some dick? Eventually someone WILL say 'yes'."
Yes, eventually it works but the work to pay ratio is quite low.
Now onto the bright idea - go down old avenues.
So, without anything on the horizon. I have resorted to online matching. I have a date in the next few days with what will turn out to be a very large girl. Head shots always lie. But then again - she does think that I am a Poli Sci prof at Queen's - so fate always wins in the end by saying "Go Fuck yourself too".
This brings me to Old Avenues. I recently re-activated my FaceBook account. I have realized that all of my past 15 girlfriends (with the exception of the 2 most recent) are married or with child.
Rick called me Good Luck Chuck.
Funny.
Asshole.
So now I go about contacting the old girlfriends to see if I can either apologize for having no emotional attachment or get them to apologize for being crazy (but still quite hot). I scratched out an email to each one during a slow day at work.
The first one I contacted was actually a woman I met in Vegas. I met Alice in a bar and she actually turned out to be from Toronto (my home at the time). We dated for several months and that included a few months when I was in Afghanistan. She treated me like gold... but from either the stress of readjustment or the 10 year age gap - we broke up. I needed my space at the time and she needed me to 'check in' every day. I wasn't able or willing to do this.
She got a drippy email.
Next on the list was Lola. I think I really just wanted to date her because of her name. I also picked her up at a family funeral and I thought added a certain something relationship. It was a good story to tell. My parents had known her for years and I think had started to plan the wedding as soon as I admitted we were seeing each other. She started to expect the same and I didn't want what everyone expected to be there... but wasn't. We broke up and then all my friends said how relieved they were. "I never liked her anyway" they all said.
I sent her best friend an email. I am still glad to be gone
Before that I was dating a woman 10 years my senior. Helena was at least 6 feet tall, blonde and a knock out. She even wore librarian type glasses before she had laser eye surgery to correct them. The editors of the Karma-Sutra wrote to HER for advice. My male friends hated me with jealousy. It was great! I was in Halifax when she called and announced that we were no longer 'boyfriend-girlfriend'.
I wondered if we were out of grade school yet.
"You misunderstood!" she bellowed at me. How dare I want to have a monogamous relationship with her.
She's in her 40s now... I assume still single and trying to be in her 20s.
I 'poked' her on FaceBook.
Nicole was the last kind girl that I had dated. She was intelligent and a biathalete earlier in her university career. My friends liked her, but I think they thought she came across as naive. I would have said it was more innocence than anything else. I ignored her towards the end of the relationship. She got back at me by sleeping with one of my colleagues. I can't say I blame her.
Nicole got an email.
Before Nicole there were a string of 'good times' and 'friends' and 'oh-my-gods- this is so much funs'.
In the dwindling days of graduate school - I was flung by a brilliant woman named Jessica 3. She is called Jessica 3 because there were 2 Jessicas that came before her and my friends find it easier to collate them as such(if truth be known - so do I). Jessica 3 had competing offers from Oxford and LSE upon being graduated from her BA. I would quit my job and move to Borneo to have another chance with her (I am a selfish prick - so I would 'say' that I am quitting my job and fly to Borneo. But I'd give it a couple of weeks before really giving my Boss notice.)
Jessica 3 received a phone call.
The last woman I contacted was Aron. Another 6 foot blonde woman with a brain that could slice, dice and julienne most arguments before they even started. We dated for the first 4 months of grad school until she told me that she had a boyfriend in Vancouver.
'Vancouvered' again!
However, we could still carry on until she went back home.
She told me on a cool November afternoon, while we were in bed.
I remember not being able to get it up that night - I blamed the alcohol.
yeah... the alcohol.
A few months later. She broke it off. 'We can't continue this...I'm falling for you.'
She eventually broke up with the Vancouver boyfriend. She still lives with the guy that she dated after me. They own a condo. He's an architect.
She got a cordial email.
In the email I wrote to Alice - I tried explaining why I was doing this. I couldn't because I don't really know.
I assume its more than just trying see some boobies.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Mission # 11 - Get Laid
Thursday night.
Stay at home and watch a re-run of "So you think you can Dance, Canada?"
or go out.
"Your mission should be just get laid." Betsey says - she gets surly when you interrupt 'reality' TV.
I drive downtown to see what the bottom of the barrel has in hold for me this evening.
This first stop was the Ale House. With the length of the line up you would think that the cast of 'The Hills' was appearing for an autograph signing. I am in no mood for a line-up.
"Hey man. Is the line-up moving at all?" I ask the pimply bouncer.
"Yeah, yeah. It will be good. Everyone will get in." he gives me the standard answer.
"I don't want to wait in the line-up. Let me in now." maybe Jedi mind tricks will work on the acne cursed.
"Everyone will get in" he monotonously says.
Jedi mind tricks do not work with this bouncers.
I wait.
It is said, but I am willing to see what will happen. I have never understood the ethics of bouncers in Kingston. In every other city in Canada I have offered to bribe or 'tip' as I say and they immediately agreed. Perhaps these bouncers are worried that taking a bribe will cause them to flunk out of their 6th year of Leisure Studies and therefore be ineligible to live in the Ghetto and sleep with frosh.
I can't blame them.
I keep waiting. Getting squeezed and rubbed by hundreds of people in line. It is more action than I have seen in a while. It amuses me for the meantime, but I am impatient.
I receive text messages from a RMC student who is on his way downtown. Rale, known only by his last name like most RMC guys, has been a good wingman in the past. One man pub crawls are fun, but none have come close replacing the utility of good wingmanness. Rale, a hilarious last name.
Rale meets me in the middle of the Ale House line up. He brings a friends whose name I quickly forget.
We aren't moving.
This is ridiculous.
We need to change locales before another fight breaks out.
We go back to Legendz hoping to have a repeat of the beauty that I saw on Wednesday night.
"Ah the crowd's a little old for me." says Rale.
I hate 20 year olds. How is 24 a little old?
We move to Elixir to do a round of shooters.
A very cute waitress brings drinks to us quickly. There are only 12 people in the club and she is doing anything she can to drive up her tips for the night.
We move to Stages.
Ugh.
There are 2 women at the bar.
One is tall and thin. Wearing what might look like she grabbed from her Mother's closet. The other might actually be a midget.
This has good blog written all over it.
I tell Rale to just play along.
"Hey guys. Give me 30 seconds to settle an argument. What do women find more attractive? Money or Power?" I ask both girls
"Neither!" says the tall thin girl - objecting to the question
"Money!!!" says the midget like girl.
"You didn't have to think about that one at all, did you?" I say to the midget "So what is it if its not money or power?"
The tall thin girl stutters and smiles. "I don't know. You caught me off guard."
"Stamina?" I ask
She laughs.
"thanks for your time".
The tall one looks at me and sips from her drink.
Rale and I were eventually dancing with the girls on the crowded floor. There names were Kate and Leanne. I pretended to forget Kate's name often.
"This isn't going anywhere!" Rale yells in my ear.
I was thinking the same. But the taller one was letting me run my hands up and down her legs. More up than down actually.
I wanted to stay.
"You know I have a girlfriend, right?" Rale yells at me.
I didn't really care, he was doing a good job and keeping the midget away.
"We want to go and get Poutine." the tall one said to me.
Very classy girls I thought.
"I'm out of here" Rale turns and walks out of the club.
The girls gave me a quizzical look and u just played dumb about the whole thing. "What did you say to him? I ask?"
Back to the same problem. 2 girls, and just me.
I wanted to see if both could be interested in coming home with me. But with the way things were running lately. I better not be greedy.
30 minutes later Kate and I were in her North end Kingston Apartment. It was seedy.
She started to brag to me how well she gave blowjobs. I love it when women brag to me about the blowjobs they can give.
"I'll be the judge of that"
The next day I got a text message from kate saying - lol.... you know for drunken sex, that was pretty good!
thanks.
At least the drought was over.
Just to make sure I went back on Saturday night.
Souvenir: I was careful, but hopefully nothing
Stay at home and watch a re-run of "So you think you can Dance, Canada?"
or go out.
"Your mission should be just get laid." Betsey says - she gets surly when you interrupt 'reality' TV.
I drive downtown to see what the bottom of the barrel has in hold for me this evening.
This first stop was the Ale House. With the length of the line up you would think that the cast of 'The Hills' was appearing for an autograph signing. I am in no mood for a line-up.
"Hey man. Is the line-up moving at all?" I ask the pimply bouncer.
"Yeah, yeah. It will be good. Everyone will get in." he gives me the standard answer.
"I don't want to wait in the line-up. Let me in now." maybe Jedi mind tricks will work on the acne cursed.
"Everyone will get in" he monotonously says.
Jedi mind tricks do not work with this bouncers.
I wait.
It is said, but I am willing to see what will happen. I have never understood the ethics of bouncers in Kingston. In every other city in Canada I have offered to bribe or 'tip' as I say and they immediately agreed. Perhaps these bouncers are worried that taking a bribe will cause them to flunk out of their 6th year of Leisure Studies and therefore be ineligible to live in the Ghetto and sleep with frosh.
I can't blame them.
I keep waiting. Getting squeezed and rubbed by hundreds of people in line. It is more action than I have seen in a while. It amuses me for the meantime, but I am impatient.
I receive text messages from a RMC student who is on his way downtown. Rale, known only by his last name like most RMC guys, has been a good wingman in the past. One man pub crawls are fun, but none have come close replacing the utility of good wingmanness. Rale, a hilarious last name.
Rale meets me in the middle of the Ale House line up. He brings a friends whose name I quickly forget.
We aren't moving.
This is ridiculous.
We need to change locales before another fight breaks out.
We go back to Legendz hoping to have a repeat of the beauty that I saw on Wednesday night.
"Ah the crowd's a little old for me." says Rale.
I hate 20 year olds. How is 24 a little old?
We move to Elixir to do a round of shooters.
A very cute waitress brings drinks to us quickly. There are only 12 people in the club and she is doing anything she can to drive up her tips for the night.
We move to Stages.
Ugh.
There are 2 women at the bar.
One is tall and thin. Wearing what might look like she grabbed from her Mother's closet. The other might actually be a midget.
This has good blog written all over it.
I tell Rale to just play along.
"Hey guys. Give me 30 seconds to settle an argument. What do women find more attractive? Money or Power?" I ask both girls
"Neither!" says the tall thin girl - objecting to the question
"Money!!!" says the midget like girl.
"You didn't have to think about that one at all, did you?" I say to the midget "So what is it if its not money or power?"
The tall thin girl stutters and smiles. "I don't know. You caught me off guard."
"Stamina?" I ask
She laughs.
"thanks for your time".
The tall one looks at me and sips from her drink.
Rale and I were eventually dancing with the girls on the crowded floor. There names were Kate and Leanne. I pretended to forget Kate's name often.
"This isn't going anywhere!" Rale yells in my ear.
I was thinking the same. But the taller one was letting me run my hands up and down her legs. More up than down actually.
I wanted to stay.
"You know I have a girlfriend, right?" Rale yells at me.
I didn't really care, he was doing a good job and keeping the midget away.
"We want to go and get Poutine." the tall one said to me.
Very classy girls I thought.
"I'm out of here" Rale turns and walks out of the club.
The girls gave me a quizzical look and u just played dumb about the whole thing. "What did you say to him? I ask?"
Back to the same problem. 2 girls, and just me.
I wanted to see if both could be interested in coming home with me. But with the way things were running lately. I better not be greedy.
30 minutes later Kate and I were in her North end Kingston Apartment. It was seedy.
She started to brag to me how well she gave blowjobs. I love it when women brag to me about the blowjobs they can give.
"I'll be the judge of that"
The next day I got a text message from kate saying - lol.... you know for drunken sex, that was pretty good!
thanks.
At least the drought was over.
Just to make sure I went back on Saturday night.
Souvenir: I was careful, but hopefully nothing
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